Last of all, this song really has spoken to me during my pregnancy. Paul & I arranged this and played it this morning. We had one rehearsal together. I think it sounded decently, even though my husband recorded it on my iPhone. :)
A lot of people don't really know how sick I have been with this pregnancy, but I've been so sick that for weeks 7-16, I barely made it out of bed every day. It was a struggle just to work and come home. I was pretty much in bed, and then at work, then in bed again. Robert took over all the household chores, the grocery shopping and the errands. During my second trimester, I got some more energy, and started getting sick less. But it didn't ever stop. I've gotten sick pretty much every day since the first day of my 7th week.
I don't think that people really understand that it's been discouraging that I haven't been able to gain weight, and that I just keep losing. I'm worried that our sweet, precious Elizabeth Johannah won't get everything she needs from me (despite the fact that I know she will take what she needs), and I have a really difficult time articulating myself when people say, "Oh, it's okay," or "That happens." I have felt like a failure, depressed, and so concerned for my baby girl, that sometimes I am inconsolable. At my appointment on Friday, I was completely shocked that I was asked if I'm trying not to gain weight on purpose. I'm sure the ARNP didn't realize that she struck a nerve, but we tried to answer her honestly, and explain how sick I've been. I know she technically has to ask questions like that (in hindsight, now that I've talked it through and sought some wise council). I am definitely not enjoying being sick like I am, and I wish I could just keep all my food down!
Because this is such a difficult subject for me to talk about, I tend not to be as open about it with just anybody. But I heard this song on the radio several weeks ago, and I started working on the piano and vocals. It has helped me realize that God will never leave or forsake me in such a real way. He has been there every step of the way with me through this pregnancy, and He is providing for me and Ellie Jo!
The point of this post is not to complain or whine; quite contrary! I want to encourage anyone and everyone who hears this song - as imperfect as it is - because I want everyone to know that you are not alone. No matter what storm you are walking through, God is constant, faithful, sovereign, and He's got your back. Just trust Him.
I wish that I'd heard this song months ago, when I was sobbing uncontrollably in bed, wondering if my baby was going to be okay because I was so sick. Now, I'm thankful for this trial that I have been entrusted with! It's a blessing! I have this amazing calling to be a mommy, and the sickness reminds me that Elizabeth is normal and healthy. She's growing, and I feel her moving more and more with each passing day.
I also need to make sure that I give my wonderful, loving, supportive husband credit. He's had to hold me, take care of me, pick me up off the bathroom floor when he found me passed out from being so sick, and he's never complained once. He's always been willing to help me with anything I need or want, and I'm just so grateful for him!
So last night, Paul said we needed a song for offeratory. We chose to do this song, even though we'd never played it. I've been playing it and singing it all the time on my own, and we just decided that I would sing and Paul and I would both play. The congregation seemed to respond well, and I hope it's an encouragement to everyone.
On that note, I leave you with the lyrics to this song:
"You were reaching through the storm,
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all,
When I thought You were a thousand miles away,
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me
After all You are constant,
After all You are only good,
After all You are sovereign,
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
You were singing in the dark,
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms,
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
After all You are constant,
After all You are only good,
After all You are sovereign,
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
And every step every breath You are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt, at my worst
When my world falls down,
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark,
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all You are constant,
After all You are only good,
After all You are sovereign,
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me"
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